Public persona

I think I've mentioned that this time of year is difficult for me--in between classes and tutoring both--I don't have a lot to occupy me. I turn introspective, and, more often than not, I tend to get a bit depressed. I don't make friends all that easily--superficial contacts, acquaintances with whom I get along quite well and chat freely, sure, no problem. I have my public persona, and she is quite amazing at getting along with people. I mean, it's not like I have multiple personalities, or anything. We all do this, we have a professional self that we present to the world--it's not the same as the self we show at home. For me, at least, that self is quite confident, a surprisingly smooth-talker, endlessly patient, and . The me at home? Not so much.

The thing is, when I present that self, I don't particularly feel like it's false, or an inaccurate representation of who I am. When I'm tutoring, or in class, I generally am quite confident; I'm in an arena in which I excel, and I relish it. So what does that say about me when I'm at home?

Control issues

I know a lot of my issues with weight and controlling what I eat have to do with the household I grew up in. (shush, yes, I know, ending with a preposition is bad.) Because everything was so strictly controlled--we got the crappy stuff, Larry got the good stuff--when I try to change what I eat or how I eat, I feel like I'm putting myself back there. I feel helpless and frustrated and angry all over again. It's not about the food itself, it's about the feeling of control. And I've tried to turn it around, to think, hey I'm controlling what I eat by, you know, actually controlling it rather than just eating anything and everything. It never seems to work. I can logically see that what I'm doing--choosing to eat or not eat particular foods--is putting me squarely in control. But emotionally, it feels like I'm right back where I grew up. It makes it so hard...

I guess, in a lot of ways, my behavior is the antithesis of a controlled environment. Housework? I hate it, barely do enough to keep the place presentable, resulting in massive panic and cleaning marathons when I have people over. I don't want to know what the people I love are doing every minute of every day--in fact, sometimes weeks (eep! Months, occasionally) go by where I don't even call family members to see what they're doing. I don't know how much of that stems from the fact that I knew many of Larry's behaviors stemmed from the fact that he was abused and had no control over his life growing up. To him, the only way to be safe was to control everything... what we ate, how long we talked on the phone (adults included), where we sat, what we watched, what we bought... I guess I'm swinging toward the opposite extreme, really. I guess it just feels so ridiculous to be able to recognize the root of the issue, and still feel the same way. I'm 27 years old... it's been almost 10 years since I've escaped that life, and still...